Considerations of Moving in Together

The decision to move in with your sweetheart is a significant step in any realtaionship. And this decision can be motivated by many things such as practiacallity, economics, necessity and hopefully, for love . Over the years I've learned of the many considerations before moving in with your special someone and would like to share these thoughts before you decide to shack up:

#1. It is ill-advised to move in with your significant other if
economics are the primary motivator. There are better solutions.
Sure, the savings you'll have on rent is a definite perk, but it's
not worth the headaches if you can't live together peacefully.

#2. It may seem unlikely that you'll ever be in a crisis where you or your honey needs a home. But that's exactly why this situation is so tricky. In a crisis, emotions are high, and decisions must be made in haste. It's beset to avoid move-ins where it started as s a necessity. Weather from evicting landlords, life-threatening roommates, or job crisis - whatever -
this type of situation only forces the cohabitation prematurely. If you experince this situation, I recommend you make it clear it's temporary, and set a time limit on the cohabitation. One the urgency is past, decisions can be made a bit better.

#3. Lastly, don't move in due to Obvious Deal Breakers. I.e.: You hate
his mess. He can't stand her cats. You fight constantly. No matter
what you think, or hope, you can't change your lover. And moving in
with them isn't going to magically make things better or solve your
problems. In fact, it's going to add a bunch of new ones. Some things
may get easier, but most things get harder. It's no longer just you
deciding where the cereal goes, if deep down you don't like the
person your shacking with, you won't like compromising with them. And
lack of compromise is doomsday for couples.

Any of these motivator to shack might lead to a rocky and unhappy
household even for a long-term, well established couple. Moving in takes a lot
of work from both sides. Respect has to be shared. Communication
lines must be open. And compromise is essential.

Once the relationship matures naturally to the point where your both ready to move in, a move that is motivated by genuine love, then you're on the right track. Best of Luck.

Let's Sin Together

This is exciting, Caca and I have decided to live together.

Some may say this is moving fast. And
normally I'd agree. If you had asked me four months ago I would have agreed. We
almost did this back then, but after deliberating, we decided
there wasn't any rush. Meanwhile, she skillfully found a roommate. An
she did good; she found Steve, a relaxed, considerate, worldly,
stable guy, needing a place for 3-6 months. And as planned, he was
ready for his own place after four months. She passed on the news to
me. She told me in the most neutral way she could, even though I know
she really wanted me to move in. And the instant she asked, I felt
that the time was right. (Little was I prepared for the second
guessing and self-doubt that was to follow, but that is in another
posting.)

Lastly, and this is important, I'm moving in with Caca. Versus visa-versa. I've lived with a few girlfriends, but this is the first time that I've moved in to her house. It feels different. More significant. This is more than just deeper commitment, I'm packed and going somewhere. Exposed. Vulnerable. It's very different from having someone move in. That's an invasion, albiet a welcomed invasion, but it's easier somehow. Like inviting an 8.0 earthquake to dinner. You know it will shake things up, it might even level your entire house, but after the dust settles you'll still be home - and there's a heap of comfort in that.

All that said, I'm aware of the changes at hand, I belive in the girl I'm moving in with, and I'm excited for this move.

Q: Here's a question for any of you? Moving is said to be one of the top most stressful things we experience in our lives. Second only to death. So where does moving in with your lover count?

Thursday Spark

I'm posting an email that I sent to Caca after our first weekend together:

"I sat down to write a little, and this just sort of wrote itself. This is just a recap of our last few days, or rather, of our first few days ....

Thursday spark at eric+erica's,
I am the Scott, you are the Kathleen (why haven't we met?)
Walking home though Shoe Park (which may need a sign)
A quiet moment on the stairs facing west (holding hands)

It's late but were both wide awake
Feeling the beauty of the moment, we continue with tea
Inside your space, awash in city light and ambient waves
We mirror each other's seated positions, opinions, and lives.

Friday, amid the sea of people at Sea of Dreams
I hoped to find you, but we were always
On opposite sides of the balcony.
(You've promised to wear your deliriously sexy outfit another time!)

Saturday, breakfast with champs, and recovery naps
Eenor made our ears bleed at the Independent, then
Petra conjured up kale, and we tested fears on the roof edge
It's visible now, the air between us charged with sparks.

Sunday connections, with Petra, with Julio.
After lunch, long luscious kisses and tender discovery touch
Till nightfall, hunger strikes and we pause for dinner with wine
Pass on the movie for more t-l-c and ooing cooing slumber.

Monday, wake snuggle coffee read
all before our Monday Morning Orgy
at Kate's Kitchen."

Negativity vs. You

What do you do about negativity amoung friends, coworkers and aquaintences? Do you beat 'em? or join 'em? What are your own experiences with feeling negative? What are your experiences with handling negavite people?

I've been paying attention to negativity within myself and others for awhile and I'd like to offer some advice in handling negativity:

1) Counter balance
This is a good first impluse, but ususally not effective for the seriously negative person.

2) Reflect
At an opportune moment, simply let the person know that you've been noticing a strong negative tendancy in their speaking and behavior. This may serve as a wake up call and be all that needs to be done.

3) Disengage
Don't entertain irrational negativity. If you have already tried the first two suggestions, then let the negative person know you won't support them in their negativity. And change topics or completely stop interacting for the moment.

4) Walk away
If the realtionship with the person is taking such an emotional toll on you, chances are it's not working anyway. "Some people derive a warped sense of pleasure from being negative. It's a form of S&M. They can be masochists all they want, but they can only be sadists if you let them."

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You might be wondering why I've offered this information? I'm working on making a change in my own negativity and I usually learn best by talking about things openly. Writing about it here seemed like it would be helpful to others as well as myself. Feel free to reply.

Negativity vs. Me

Sometimes I'm negative and cynical.

When I am negative, really negative, it's overwhelming. Like physically being in a different place, like being in a department store you hate, saying no, no, no. And if given enough time to think, I'll put anything through a meat grinder; shredded, in ruin and discarded. However, I'm not intentionally turning the world into mincemeat, so why do I do it?

After much observation over the last five years, I've noticed that my attitude plays tricks on me. I'll find an endless spectrum of things to blame my discontent on - none are "my fault" and most of which are untrue. But upon closer inspection, the source of my discontent (i.e.: my negativity) is within me. The times that I am most negative are when I don't focus on myself; my own needs, goals and aspirations. I switch into autopilot and become "tuned out" and only partly engaged. Meanwhile, I criticize myself, until there is nothing positive left. Then eventually, like a ravenous beast from Hell, I criticize everything around me; never satisfied and never fulfilled. To make matters worse, as a bystander I allow others to make decisions for me, and then in bait-and-switch trick, eventually I feel resentment toward those close to me. It's a nasty and embarrassing cycle, and it's completely unfair to everyone. All because I don't focus on me.

So why don't I focus on my own goals? The answer to that is easy: it's the worst four-letter word in the book: fear. Fear is the the root of my negativity. What fear you ask? Fear of anything and everything. Fear of failing, fear of failing in public!, fear of ridicule, setback, discomfort, pain, work, loneliness, boredom, losing... even fear of winning.

(Ah, but I know... The truth is, we do what we do because we choose to do it. If I am in a rut and miserable, I must choose something else. Life offers unlimited experiences. For anything new I will experience fear and uncertainty, but to keep in mind that the rewards are worth it. A mentor once said, "Try. Fail. Try again. Fail better.")

So are all negative and cynical people just really scared people?
I'm working on making a change in my own negativity and I usually learn best by talking about things openly. Writing about it here seemed like it would be helpful to others as well as myself. Feel free to reply.

Maybe you have known someone who is occasionally or always negative. How do you handle negative people in your life?